"Susan, how did you do it!? How did you become this new person, positive and calm all the time now?" These questions followed me for years after I made just one decision. One yearning thought led to a decision to change that sparked my own journey of exploration into a new way of being. That thought was: "I want to feel better, than this."
Following is a narrative of my journey crossing many Bridges. I share my story openly here to show you how I changed, how I see things and the Tools I use to help others feel better, than this-NOW.
On a personal note, I know the moment my journey began. It was April 19, 1995, the night of the Oklahoma bombing. I had already been growing to hate myself for the yelling, anxious, critical person I had become [I didn't realize what self-hate was then, now I know that I was hating on myself all the time]. Now, I realize that my soul was yearning to break free from that dark place. I fell into total darkness on that night watching a firefighter carry out a baby girl burned and broken from a daycare center; she was the same age as my baby girl on my lap. I sobbed in despair. And shifted. In my parlance today, I know it was a soul shift, but then I just knew I had to do something to become the person I wanted to be, though I didn't know what that was exactly. DO YOU HAVE A SENSE THAT YOU WANT TO BE SOMEONE DIFFERENT?
The first bridge I had to cross was Mocking Bridge. I had to crossover from being a person who mocked others who 'claimed' to be happy; a person who derided others who used words like love and G-d and soul. It was a long journey and it wasn't easy to leave the old familiar Type A behind. "A" was a comfortable cloak I wore, wrapped around me like a warm blanket of perfection and superior thinking. Now I refer to it as the Cloak of Discomfort. GO IN FOR A MINUTE, DO YOU HAVE A CLOAK OF DISCOMFORT?
The next bridge I had to cross was Consciousness Bridge. Going in, seeing what was there, shedding, shedding, shedding the unwanted negative feelings always with the same thought: "I want to feel better, than this." The words in this thought are intentional. Not just 'I want to feel better,' but rather coming to consciousness of what I was feeling in a moment and just simply wanting, CHOOSING, to feel better than that, in that moment. That's all there is. IF YOU GO IN, NOW, AND FEEL DARKNESS, CAN YOU MAKE A CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO MOVE BEYOND THAT BAD FEELING TO FEELING JUST A LITTLE BETTER; JUST HERE AND NOW, JUST IN THIS MOMENT?
The next bridge that revealed itself to me was Resource Bridge. Having always been the resource to others, and having developed complete self image around that persona, it was hard for me to cross that bridge. I credit my sister, Laura, for leading me to that bridge. I allow myself credit for opening my mind and being brave enough to cross it. There are millions of Tools available to anyone who wants to feel better today. I worked at it until I found the tools that worked for me: the Power of Thought, Coming to Consciousness, Positivity, Reframe, Finding my Heart, Breathing, Mind-Body Connection, Affirmations, Repetition, Baby Steps, Writing, and Prayer. DO YOU EVEN REALIZE THERE ARE TOOLS OUT THERE THAT CAN HELP YOU BE HOW YOU WANT TO BE? CHOOSE ANY ONE, START NOW.
So what happened next?
I left the Crosswalk of Blame and found the Bridge of Responsibility. I was lashing out blaming everyone who was in my path, well, mostly my husband-who has been with me on my life-journey for about thirty years. I yearned to offer love to him, to our daughters and to others, and in the end I learned that I needed to start with taking Responsibility for my feelings [that was fun, the Pool of Feelings is a whole other story], and to accept the Four Agreements [Don Miguel Ruiz, talk about Repetition-it took me years to finally realize the power of that tiny book]. Why take Responsibility? Because that brings it all back into your control. As long as I blamed others for my mess--it was something 'they' were doing, not 'me'--then it was all out of my control, and of course out-of-control. I lived in an internal mass of out-of-control chaos that I felt I couldn't do anything about. Responsibility was hard because it meant I had to accept that I wasn't perfect [WHAT?]. And I can tell you THAT felt BAD. I think that's when I really started my deepest yearning of 'I want to feel better, than this.' Taking Responsibility, I asked myself 'What can I do about that?' As I practiced two Tools in particular--the Power of Thought/REFRAME and incorporating Positivity in every way into my life--and with Laura's continued love and support, and feeling how it felt to feel better [bad syntax, true phrase], I slowly got to the other side. Now, everything is 100% in my control. I take Responsibility for everything in my life [even when I have my human moments and lapse or fail], I have and hold a Positive outlook, and I honestly, really do feel good almost all of the time. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF BLAMING OTHERS FOR THINGS, OFTEN? DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF SAYING 'IT IS WHAT IT IS?'
....what if it's not?
As I found and used Tools that I could integrate into my Consciousness, I discovered the last bridge, the Bridge of Love. This bridge was a rope bridge. The kind you see swinging silently in the breeze over a lush canyon. It is tantalizing, but when you start across, it sways, leaving you unsettled and unsure. Should I continue on it? Or should I go back to safety? Gingerly placing one foot in front of the other, holding onto the Rails of Positivity, taking Baby Steps, I grew more Confident as I crossed it. I found my Heart along the way and learned what it meant to love myself. Once I passed that place, I moved forward faster loving everyone around me, trusting my heart, and landing in the Field of Joy [the greatest Tool of all]. For me, standing in the Field of Joy represents a success that I had been yearning for as long as I could remember. I wanted to be 'that' or go 'there' or do 'this.' When I landed squarely in the Field of Joy, I finally accepted the success I had already created, and just appreciated that. That's all there is, Now. Living in THAT moment all the time brings you continued success, one moment at a time.
NOTE: Are there more Bridges to cross? Certainly. Now, I look for Bridges and risk crossing them knowing the journey is about the beauty of living, of experiencing. I may thrive, I may fail, but along the way I'm committed to being grounded in self, being available to my family and being true to my purpose, helping others find the extraordinary pleasure of getting and being truly OK, and then helping our world using the lens of Philanthropy, love of humankind.